The Pancake Monster
by Calsita
Summary: Sirius is a pancake monster. James is hiding. Peter is, too. And poor, poor Remus is... well, can't spoil the ending.


Sirius liked pancakes on the weekends. No, no, Sirius LOVED pancakes on the weekends. He woke up in the morning craving them. He'd rush around waking the other Marauders up so they could hurry to breakfast, because the sooner they got there, the more time Sirius had to stuff his face full of the syrupy goodness. Breakfast only ended when he was so stuffed full of pancakes that James literally had to pull him out of his chair, or the house elves forcibly removed his presence from the Great Hall. Next they went to Quidditch Practice, where Sirius worked off the ten or two hundred pounds his pancake consumption would put on. By the end of it, he was hungry again- and only for one thing alone. Pancakes.

He whined the time between the end of Practice and lunch away. But Sirius didn't just whine- oh no, not about pancakes. It started innocently. Sirius would fling himself onto James' bed with a neglected howl of miserable aching for pancakes. James would, not daring to go near his bed and the pancake eating creature who had taking it over, lock himself in the bathroom and take a very, very, very long bath. Peter would transform and hide in the girls dorm, not only to see the potentially naked women, but the walls there were thicker and he couldn't hear the yowls from Sirius. This left poor Remus all alone with the pancake monster.

The tortured werewolf would wedge a pillow over his ears and wait. After ten minutes or so, Sirius' screaming cries would simmer down into little hiccups and whimpers. When it occurred to Sirius that Remus was in no way showing sympathy for his lack of pancakes, he'd decide that maybe Remus didn't _know_ what was going on. With shuffling, pathetic steps he'd pad over to Remus' bed and stand there, whimpering and trembling, until Remus looked up.

"Yes, Sirius?" Remus would say from between gritted teeth; it was not fair that Sirius' eyes could get so large and in need of love when ever he wanted Remus' attention.

"I have no pancakes." Sirius would say slowly, in a voice that threatened to spill over in tears.

"I'm very sorry to hear that."

Sirius's blue eyes turning an angry, dark color. "No, Remus, listen. I don't have any pancakes!"

"Yes, I truly do understand, but you see my dear, intelligence challenged puppy, I don't give a damn." The werewolf would promptly lay back down, squeeze his eyes closed, and pray that Sirius would shut the hell up.

"Reeeeeeeeeeeeeemus!" The wail was impossible to ignore, so Remus would sit back up with a defeated sigh and glare at the boy in front of him. "REEEEEEEMUS, I HAVE NO PAAAAAAAAAAAAANCAKES!"

"That is NO reason to act like a four year old!"

"EVERY REASON IS A REASON TO ACT LIKE A FOUR YEAR OLD!" Sirius would bellow.

On and on it went. James would return back from his date or his bath, and Peter would crawl back, and all through the meals Sirius would sob that he needed pancakes, not ham, not dumplings, not sweat and sour teriyaki chicken, but pancakes! Everyone else at Gryffindor table would stare in awe at the sight of Peter cringing, James pretending he was in Brazil, Sirius howling, and Remus hitting him with a fork to shut him up.

Finally it was evening, and Remus was ready to snap. Sirius would not shut his filthy little mouth about his filthy little pancakes and Remus would be at his breaking point. He would grab Sirius by the arm and drag him roughly out of Gryffindor tower, down the corridors, to the picture of the fruit. Tickling the pear even though his other hand still held Sirius in a death grip, Remus would storm in and glare furiously at the house elves.

"HE. NEEDS. PANCAKES."

And the next morning, rumors would circulate about what a temper for pancakes that Remus Lupin had, dragging poor Sirius out of bed to satisfy his own desires. Remus would handle these by glaring furiously at Sirius all through breakfast. But the day would pass exactly as the day before had, and Monday morning would come.

Sirius would sit at the breakfast table and with a disgusted wave of his hand proclaim "Ew! Pancakes!"

And more rumors would spread, about that wild Remus Lupin, who snapped at breakfast and chased Sirius all over the Great Hall, and all poor Sirius wanted was some eggs.


End file.
